Christmas

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“You all sorted for Christmas”

How many times have you heard that question in the past few weeks? It has to be the most common phrase over the festive period. Speaking of common festive things, it’s usually this time of year that about a million photos of people at Winter Wonderland appear on your Facebook feed, along with a ridiculous amount of action shots of kids in pyjamas with a mountain of presents in the background. It’s almost like a competition. Try putting your phone down and look after your child for a minute? I mean, I regularly use different social media platforms myself but literally putting an image on of every ten-minute’s sequence of events is a bit much. I don’t want to see the ins and outs of everything. “Here’s a pic of me son breathing in, here’s a pic of me son breathing out, I just wanted to make sure you didn’t miss it”.

I do enjoy Christmas, spending time with my family, eating some nice food and having a drink, but I can’t say I enjoy all of the hype that comes with it. The constant financial pressure it puts us all under, the awkward family gatherings and conversations, and the same old shite that people post on social media. The thing is the build up, which goes on for ages. Christmas decorations begin to appear, next thing you are in B&M fighting with about 80 Scouse Mums for some additional fairy lights, because the ones you bought in Home and Bargain are refusing to work. No wonder they were 14p. You begin to get sick of the sight of baubles on the deck, batteries, empty tin foil wrappers because somebody has eaten a chocolate but couldn’t be arsed throwing the wrapper away. And empty boxes of Celebrations with just Bounty’s left over – does anybody even like them? And don’t get me started on wrapping paper. Then all the pressure for presents – ‘what are you getting for your Mum Mark?’ – to which I usually reply, I dunno, I’ll get a book or whatever I can find in Tesco on Christmas Eve. Such a loving son aren’t I? I just can’t really be motivated when it comes to presents – I usually get a bit embarrassed when receiving them, and I am not the best at buying them, so overall it’s not something I get too excited about.

As for the panic-buying at the shops, it’s ridiculous. Why oh why do people feel that the world will end and have to buy everything in sight? Even though the corner shops are open on Christmas Day, and most other shops are back open on Boxing Day anyway! It’s one day for fucks sake. Calm down! I literally think me Mum had half of Asda stashed in her kitchen on Christmas Day, and it’s taken until today to probably tidy up. I actually went to Tesco on Christmas Eve, only to get one or two things, and couldn’t believe my eyes. People are insane.

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One other observation is just how much rubbish we go through. Our entry was like a packaging factory. I swear I’ve never taken out so many bin bags in my life, and as for cardboard, I’m now officially a recycling ninja – if it can be recycled I’ll break that shit down. This has all nicely coincided with Liverpool City Council decreasing our waste pick ups too, fortnightly they are now. Bin wars are well and truly happening. I’m such a moaner aren’t I?!

Below are some Christmas Observations I made this year.

‘You all sorted for Christmas’ is up there with one of the most repetitive and annoying sayings ever so stop saying it.

Nobody likes Mulled Wine – well some people do, but when does putting wine in a pan make sense? unless your cooking a steak or something.

You have to top up the gas and lecky every time you leave the house, even though the weather is mild and the Christmas lights are all battery operated?! – I’m sick of going to the shop – “£10 on that, £20 on that”, only to go back 4 hours later to do it again because me missus has had the heating on since last January.

Christmas doesn’t seem the same without 22 of your neighbours frantically scraping their windscreens and pouring kettles over their cars every morning, it does seem strange because it isn’t cold this Christmas. But as for people saying it’s too warm, they need to get a grip. If it was freezing, icy, or it snowed, then everyone has a meltdown, you can’t bloody win!

Nobody can listen to Fairytale of New York without mentioning Shane McGowan’s teeth – for me this is the best Christmas song, but can anyone listen to it without mentioning the dental background of McGowan or the fact that Kirsty McCall died in a Jet Ski accident? No they can’t.

Men, including me, will always buy crap presents. And our wrapping is even crapper, as a lad on Facebook said the other day ‘I’ve seen a portion of chips wrapped better’. Expect the worst girls.

If you’ve got kids, Father Christmas can be used as part of months bribery and lies. Literally – Santa is watching, so take the bins out (but good luck, coz they don’t get picked up for another month). The best one for me was the house alarm sensor, the little red monitor, every time it lit up I told my daughter it was Santa watching her making sure she’s being a good girl. The lies get deeper.

There’s nothing more certain than me Mum buying me 12 packs of extra thick sports socks, like she thinks I live in Russia or something – and true to form she did, along with six pairs of lounge pants, I’m sure she thinks I just sit on me arse all day.

 

Anyway, as you can probably gather, I’m a bit of a crank, but those are some of my views on Christmas. Now everyone is preparing for new years eve – which is today as I write this – new year new me – and next week it will be the detox. I will be back to discuss these topics in more depth over the coming days and weeks.

Thanks for reading, hope you had a Merry Christmas and don’t forget to take the bins out.

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